Packing

So I’m trying to pack for my trip home and it is surreal. Do I pack the black dress? Is that practical or bad luck? If my mother sees the black dress in the closet, will she think it was practical, or bad luck, or worse?

What does a 2 year old wear to a funeral? (And no, this is not the part where you share your views on whether a 2 year old should go to a funeral.)

I have about 1000 of these just bizarre, mind-numbing questions.

When I get home, I want to curl up into a ball and have my mother take care of me, but who will take care of my mother? How is she supposed to say goodbye to someone after 58 years?  My mother, who I believe stole this line, always said that she never thought about divorce, murder occasionally, but never divorce.

My parents are two people who not only love each other, but like each other. It was … is … and amazing marriage to witness. How does one deal with the end of that?

I appreciate you all holding my hand through this. I know I’ve said it, but again, thank you. Your support means so much.

Untitled

My dad turns 85 today. It should be a happy day, but the sadness is weighing on me like a lead apron. It is bone crushing.

I called my sister today and she wept. She was making a birthday cake for my dad, knowing it would be the last one she would ever make. I wept too.

When I decided to go back to NoDak, I was thinking of going around the 4th, which has always been a big weekend for our family. There’s the local parade, complete with farm implements, the street dances, the reunions, the fireworks. My aunts and uncles all come home, and my sister has a huge party. I knew dad wasn’t going to be partaking in much, but it still seemed like a good time to be there.

Of course, when I booked the tickets there was nothing available close to the 4th. I kept backing up my trip by a day, and then another day, and then another day, until finally I got a flight out on June 30th. My mind was just on the 4th, and I forgot to realize how close I was to dad’s birthday. If I just would have backed it up, just a couple more days, I would have been there today, for his birthday. His last birthday.

The appointment with the oncologist has been cancelled; he’s too weak to make the 300 mile round trip. Were looking at a few weeks, maybe a month.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. 

NO!!!! NOT THE POLLY’S!!!

Though I prayed this day would never come; here it is. Damn you Polly Pockets!

Thanks

To those of you who said “there are no words” or words to that effect … there are words, and you said them. Knowing you are here to hold my hand thorough this time means more than you know. Thank you, thank you, thank you. If there has ever been a time when I have needed you, this is the time.

According to Dr. Google, best case scenario is 3 to 5 months. I’ve got to think when you are 85 with a bad heart that number is smaller.

I’m heading back there next week (alarm system, guard dog and husband will be home) and will take my parents to the first oncologist appointment.

Gawd, this is all just so freaken weird.

Coincidence …

There was a show on TV, 20/20, I think. Maybe it was another one like it, I’m not sure. I think it was the first part of April. They interviewed Randy Pausch, an inspiring professor at Carnegie Mellon who is currently fighting pancreatic cancer. Take the time to watch his The Last Lecture if you haven’t already.

Part of the interview spoke of the Alice Project, a free computer program he and some other folks had written. A Google search for the free software program was misdirected to the Lustgarten Foundation for Pancreatic Cancer Research. It was offering free copies of Mr. Pausch’s book. I ordered one. It felt funny, like there was a connection I didn’t want to make.

I got the book and while I have wanted to read it, I haven’t. There is a big sticker in the inside indicating that it is a gift from the Lustgarten Foundation.  Something about it gave me an uneasy feeling, like an unwelcome guest.

And then my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I don’t think I’m clairvoyant. I don’t think I am psychic. But it is odd, don’t you think, how that happens sometimes?

I still don’t know much. Dad had the biopsy on Monday and the doc said that yes, he was sure from what he had seen that it was malignant. However, he had to send things in and a full pathology report wouldn’t be ready for a while. The report is needed before an appointment with the oncologist can be made.

My dad is an (almost) 85 year old man with a heart condition requiring him to use oxygen 24/7 – I can’t imagine he would be a surgical candidate. I have no idea what, if anything, they can do, other than provide palliative care.

Like I said, he’s 85 with a bad heart. If it wouldn’t have been this, it would have been something else. I know, at least intellectually, that he can’t live forever and he has already exceeded life expectancy.

But still … I’m sad.

I cannot imagine my life with out him.

Can.not.imagine.

Today

Today my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

It has not been a good day.

I don’t know what is next. I do know I am not ready.